Whenever it is that I may be blessed with children, I know that I will be a strict parent. I feel that if you are able to cuss at an inappropriate age, you Will eat soap!

Friday:

I'm at the cash register fulfilling my duties by looking fabulous and being polite to the customers, and that is when I spot them!

Mail-order bride, Sitting Bull and Rufio the devil child!

Of coarse this child is completely starved for attention! Running up and down trying to get his senile parents to pay attention to him, but no, Mail order is trying to pick out a name tag for her precious pooches and Sitting Bull has been overcome by the technology of his Cellular Telephone.

Excuse me but your child Rufio is running up and down the aisles flailing his arms in the air and screaming at the top of his lungs. EVERYONE in the store has wide eyes as they are scanning the store for this child's parents.

*Note: I am thankful that most customers are courteous to help lift heavy object IE. 40lb bags of Pedigree dog food...but NOT Sitting Bull.

I almost knock over this mongrel of a child because he has unerringly stepped underneath me. I am patient at first.

He then points to our Homeless Animal Donation money stuck inside a clear box at my register and proceeds to say,

" I want money....gimme that dollar right now!" haha yeah right...eff off!

I told him nicely with fervor in my voice that it was not my money to give so I couldn't do that.

He walks over to the automatic door and shuts it on some people trying to walk into the store. I take a break from ringing up my careless customers and open the door, wishing at this point that I could lock this STUPID child outside for someone to steal!

By this point, mail order has now started to work the name tag machine (which won't work until you are done checking out...and I'm still in the process....) And Rufio is still running a muck!

I finally complete this transaction of 300 dollars and gladly send them on their way....She has purchased 2 name tags which will keep the hoodlum in my store for another 15 minutes. While Mail order is filling out her tags, hoodlum proceeds to grab none other than a Mountain Dew from our soda machine and starts shoving it at me when I am checking out other customers. I wanted to open the soda and chuck it at him (mind you I really do love kids and want them, but if they turn out like Rufio, I will cut my ovaries out right now all by myself)!

His little spurts were getting worse. He started screaming I want this soda, buy it for me. I told him that I was not going to buy it for him and that his parents were going to have to do that. He then proceeded to shove his soda in a bag and tote it around like he had just purchased it.

I was finally able to ignore him but his mom got back in line....stupid lady she made the wrong tag for the wrong pet...luckily it wasn't my line she got back into...and she bought Satan the soda....I couldn't believe it...THERE IS A REASON WHY YOUR CHILD IS ON CRACK AND HE HAS ROTTEN TEETH!!!

Sometimes I hate my life...haha!

I HATE CAKE!!!

Well I really don't HATE cake....I just don't understand why the hell it won't bake flat! My hubby tried to explain to me that it bakes on the outside first and then the middle, but I find that absolutely ridiculous! I'm supposed to cut off the top of the cake...I just want to make a pretty cake....

I Overdosed on Ex-Lax

(Formulated to have you poopin in no time)

Following my morning of monstrosity with the fire alarm business, my stomach remained gnarly for the entire day. I decided that it was time to poo, but I sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and nothing came.

(If you have not read this book you ought to, it was one of my faves growing up!!) After the many attempts of sitting without poo, I decided that it was time to call in the troops...aka Ex-Lax. The instructions stated that I was to take 1-2 pieces up to 2 times a day. I felt this was irrelevant as my stomach was balling in knots, and shoved three little pieces of the chocolate into my mouth....they really don't taste as bad as you think! Then I proceeded lay down and fall asleep for the night.

I woke up to the sharp pains of something trying to rip its way out of me, I thought "This is IT!!!!"

No, lies.....all lies!!! I then proceeded to say screw it, and popped another 3 pieces of tasty chocolate into my mouth....BAD IDEA!!!!

Needless to say, I had a very unproductive day :(

Things I Will Outlaw When I Become President

First and foremost, I would like to start this blog off with my platform. I believe that there needs to be a universal dress code because I am tired of looking at people's unfortunate clothing choices.

I will first start out by saying that I have a Dom Perignon taste on a King Cobra budget. I love high end fashion and have no shame in gloating in a fabulous find, but I am TIRED of looking at fortune mishaps that burn ugliness into my mind.

For the people who sport the headlights...

This is NOT appropriate....you are not trying out for Hooters, people bring many children into this establishment, and unless you are modeling for Esbilac; you need to holster your tits, or get the hell out of PetSmart! I do not get paid enough to stare at your roadkill!!

Bicycle shorts are completely awful! Usually men in their 40's come into my work with their bicycle shorts on, their chest hair threatening to rip open their shirt because it simply cant contain itself and then the Banana Hammock and it's member are staring me down....This could possibly be worse than the headlights!! Is nothing to be left a surprise these days? Everyone seems to be auditioning for the whorehouse!

Excuse me but Donatello called and he wants his feet back....

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I too have fallen victim to this fashion crime....when I was 7!!! Playing Ninja Turtles was back in the day and just two days ago I spotted a lady with turtle feet!! This is not fashionable nor functional, what happens when it rains? I hope it does, just for your poor fashion choice!

Last but certainly not least, TUBESOCKS....My fabulous co-worker can vouch for this!! Thank you women for being brave enough to burn your bras!!! The 70 were 4 decades ago, and now you will pay the price by having tubesock tits! I am possibly the most disgusted by this fashion faux pas....thus is why I have founded none other than Operation PUMOST....(Pick Up My Old Saggy Tits).... I will pursuade my husbands friends to put a contribution into a jar; (Which will be safely out of reach so I will not be able to go shopping) and when my hair goes gray and my figure is not as beautiful as it once was, my boobs will still be in the same place!!

The Po Po's are coming!

Imagine to my surprise when I wake up Monday morning to something irregular. It is 4:45 and it is definitely not time for my hubby's alarm clock to go off. I try my hardest to go back to bed after the ridiculous deluge from God knows where already had me tossing and turning. The infuriatingly loud beeping gradually becomes louder and louder and pillows on top of my head simply will not block out the noise. I'm getting HEATED!!

Apparently my man can sleep through Hiroshima and not be awoken to this monstrosity of an alarm. I decide after ten minutes that I will die before this alarm goes off, and proceed to get up to see what all the ruckus is about.

I automatically fear for the being of my poor elderly neighbor whom I can picture trapped under her bed shaking from the hoodlums holding her hostage while stealing all of her precious belongings ( ie. grandfather clock, silver eatery, china, hutch).

I immediately call the pigs, of coarse not using the emergency line; I am put on hold and decide that this is the prime opportunity to make my hubby some lunch to take to work. To my surprise the dead has awoken and my hubby comes out to see me on the phone in which the police will be coming to check on my neighbor. He decides to turn on the lights in which I know we will be bothered, and sure enough 5 minutes later, the PoPo's are at our door.

Stupid dingbat of an operator I told her mine and my neighbors addresses and she sent the cops here....I don't need the help, just shut off that stupid alarm!!! The hubbs and the roomie proceeded to look for the dumb thing for almost 45 minutes and even got on top of the roof. I'm over it by now, the alarm is still going off and it's like 6 am. I kiss my man goodnight and send him off to work while I TRY to go back to bed with this ridiculous noise!

6:37, I think I finally fell asleep, only to wake up to have to go to work....FML!!!

I decided to call Alan to see if he figured out what had happened. Apparently the alarm was coming from our outside patio all along and nobody could find it....I was Pookie the WHOLE day!